Stylish not Fashionable

Fashion is everywhere, especially here in the U.S.  We live in a time where trends change as often as the seasons and it's more typical to go in debt for shoes then it is not too.  Fashion is everywhere, and it's hard to run away from, but you can ignore it, which is what I have done for most of my life.

I'll spare you the details of my horrible "fashion" decisions over the years, but I can tell you that it's not very pretty to look back on.  I would love to say that one day some people took it upon themselves to take me shopping and buy me a whole new wardrobe and from there I blossomed into a beautiful popular woman, but that only happens in movies, so my sense of style has developed the normal way.  Very slowly.  It's actually still in progress because, to tell you the truth, I've only recently cared about whats in style.  Whether it's the fact that I'm getting older, that I've figured out I've made a lot of very wrong style choices, or just that it's becoming an interest, I am wanting to learn more about fashion and all that goes with it.

Please don't get me wrong.  I am very aware that what we wear is not what makes us who we are as a person.  God calls us not to worry about what we wear or other things of this world, and though I can get too caught up in stuff from, I ultimately know that only God completes me and helps me become who I am meant to be.  I have simply developed an interest in looking nice, more mature, and I just like finding out whats stylish and seeing if it works for me or not. 

There is also a research aspect to it.  I have always believed a woman can dress modestly, but still be stylish, so what would that look like?  What are some styles that work best for my body type that would flatter me, rather than show off?  How does one stay stylish, but still have money for food as well?  These are all things I have wondered, and I think it's time I start finding out the answers.

So, My Heart of Clay is starting a new fashion venture.  My blog will not change too much in this venture, but my Instagram will.  You can follow me @KellieMK2 (sound familiar?  That's because that is my Twitter handle as well. Clever huh?!)  I'll take pictures here and there and add some money saving tips as well.  You won't have to worry about too many selfies either.  I'm horrible at taking selfies and I have no idea how fashion bloggers take such nice ones.

Wondering about my title?  My very fashionable AND stylish friend told me that I was "stylish but not really fashionable."  My first reaction was, "wait, what?!", but after a moment I realized that it was a compliment.  So I stole it and will continue to use it because as the late Oscar de la Renta said, "Fashion is about dressing according to what's fashionable. Style is more about being yourself."

Wonderfully Made, Whether we Think so or Not.

"For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother's womb.  I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well." 
- Psalm 139:13-14

Psalm 139 is one of the many powerful sections of psalms.  It is jam packed with amazing words that describe how well God knows us and loves us.  Verses 13-14 are the verses used very frequently as a reminder of how well God knows and loves us and that though He is the King of kings and Lord of lords, He has a very full and detailed love for us.

I read this verse at a good time.  Recently it's been tough for me to look in the mirror and like what I see.  I won't get philosophical on you... a lot of it has to do with my looks.  The fact that I am fearfully and wonderfully made by the creator of the universe, was definitely a needed reminder, but the words that caught me the most were the last statement for verse 14, "and my soul knows it very well."  My soul, my very inner being that no one on this earth can explain or understand, already knows how amazing God's work is. 

We see how wonderful and beautiful the earth is, I mean we could go on for days, but then when it comes to ourselves (or even other people... yep, I just went there) we forget that the same God that made that beautiful scenery, made us. Deep down we know God sees us as wonderfully made, our brain just needs to get with the picture and understand that the simple knowledge we somehow have that God really does know what He's doing and that He does it very well, is right.  And we are part of that beautiful picture.

Incompatible

Some people are really, really the wrong person to marry. Everyone else is still naturally incompatible.
— Timothy Keller (@timkellernyc) July 15, 2014

This tweet made me laugh yesterday.  Mainly because of how true it really is, but the really funny part is that we think the exact opposite.

As singles, it's so easy to get so consumed with the idea that there is someone out there and we could meet them at any moment, that we literally think any new encounter could one day result in an "I do".  Every encounter with the opposite sex becomes an interview process and if they don't get the "job", well then moving on... 

Out of all the people we meet on a day-to-day basis, we really are incompatible with most of them.  That does not mean you can't be friends, it just means you're most likely not going to want to go on a second or third date with them, let alone spend the rest of your life with them. So why put so much pressure on yourself as well as the next unsuspecting victim of your interview process?

I'm not sure why Pastor Keller wrote that tweet, but I would guess that it's a good reminder to not marry any Joe-shmo that comes around and to chill out on the seeking-a-significant-other front.  The chances are the next person you meet will not be your future spouse.

But of course I've been wrong before...


**Most likely I took this tweet out of context, so lets just say this is my own interpretation of it.  But most likely Pastor Keller was referring to the fact that you have to work at marriage.  He's wise and clever like that.**

Never Alone

Sometimes the best encouragement you can give someone is just letting them know that they are not alone.

That is one of the reasons I write about the single life.  Everyone goes through different things, and everyone's journey through singleness is different.  For some, their journey is short, others, it's long and complicated.  Some date more than others, some talk about it more than others, most complain about it, while others accept it, but no matter what, we all experience it at one point or another.

For those of us that are in this stage of life longer than others, there is discouragment, frustration, episodes of craziness, and sometimes just straight times of anger.  There are also the good things, such as lessons learned, experiences that will go in our data banks of memory that no matter what, we would never trade.  Either way, it's a journey that is not meant to be accomplished alone.

It's one of the reason that fellowship is emphasized so strongly in the Bible ("Bear one another’s burdens, and thereby fulfill the law of Christ." Galations 6:2, "Iron sharpens iron, So one man sharpens another." Proverbs 27:17).  We are simply just not meant to go through this life alone.  I'm not even talking about a significant other, I'm simply talking about going through life with those other humans that understand you, make you laugh, that carry on conversations that are deep and at the same time can go and talk about absolutely nothing, yet both conversations are equally meaningful. 

So even though there are so many times that we feel alone in this big world, we never are.  There is always someone else out there that will be going through something similar that you are going through.  You may not know them, but they are out there.  Writing helps me with that.  I write, hoping that the person that reads my writing, will know that they are not alone either.  You may feel lonely, but you are never alone.

The Bitter Pill

I read a lot of articles on relationships and the single life.  I like to read different points of view and hear many opinions.  I also love to talk to people about the single life.  It's always great to be able to relate to others in life stages and talk about their different experiences, even if it's just to get a different perspective.  One thing I have learned in a lot of conversations and articles, there are a lot of bitter people out there.

Men are bitter that women "only like bad boys."  Women are bitter that "there are no more good guys left."  Chivalry is dead, there's no more singles my age left, men are jerks, women are picky, and that one person did me wrong so now everyone is just like them and will do the exact same thing... Lots and lots of bitterness.

Bitterness is a complicated thing.  You don't think it's there, and then suddenly someone brings up that person that did you wrong, or even talk about something that kinda-sorta is the same experience that you went through (just like when your friend brings up how she likes the pink purse in the window, which then of course gets you thinking of the pink nail polish that your friend in ninth grade wore when she stole your homecoming date).  It never makes sense how it can pop up so easily, but it always does.  It's a trap that we fall into, and the problem is, a lot of people are not fighting to get out again.

Bitterness is easy.  It's more acceptable, I mean it makes sense to be frustrated with situations and characteristics after bad endings to relationships or experiences.  It's easy to dwell on those things, instead of the positive, because deal with something, which then helps us move-on, usually means we have to be honest.  It wasn't that the was a total jerk, it was just that he wasn't into me.  It wasn't that all women don't like nice guys, it was the fact that that one woman did like you, the nice guy in front of her.  The truth is harder to handle and a bitter pill is easier to swallow.  

The Bible mentions bitterness in many ways, it mentions it as people's reactions (yes, bitterness is not a new thing...) and it mentions it as states of thinking that people are in.  Proverbs is always great for when it comes to straight to-the-point truths, and Proverbs 14:10 is one of those truths, "The heart knows it's own bitterness, and a stranger does not share it's joy."

We know why we are bitter, what we forget is what benefit it brings to our life.  Which is no benefit at all.  Bitterness will start eating at any joy we do have, and then from there it will work it's way into any potential joy we could have and it doesn't stop until there is nothing left.  No need to fret though.  There is a cure.  A good antidote to the bitter pill is grace and truth.  No one is perfect, there are nice guys out there, there are women that know what they want, and not everyone on this earth is out to get you.

Prayer and God's word help with realizing these truths.  After all God is the ultimate truth and He shows us perfect grace.  It also doesn't hurt to have the kind of friends that you can really count on to love on you.  You know those people in your life that love you so much, they know the right time to give you a figurative (or maybe not) swift kick in the you-know-what and tell you to cheer up, spit out the bitter pill, and move on. There are too many experiences in life to be had to let bitterness take you down.

Mourning the "what could have been."

I like country music.  There's a country song for almost everything that you can experience in life.  One song that showed me that was a song that come out a few years ago, at the perfect time.  It was called "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans.  It was a song about right after a break-up, how she is sad that it's over, but she knows it was the right thing.  It came out the same year I went through a break-up and I just remember agreeing with a lot of the song. I didn't realize how well I understood the song though, until I heard it again the other night.

For most women it is very easy for us dwell on the "what could have been," and though I'm not the most sensitive type of girl, I still fall victim to it.  I get in those moods, where you just sit and wonder what went wrong, what could have been done differently, and if we would have done it differently, would we still be together?  That's a dangerous place to be, because then we are at a point where we are literally mourning a life that never happened, nor would ever happen. 

Now there is nothing wrong with being sad when a relationship ends.  That can be a good thing.  You are sad that you lost a person that you really cared about, that's what makes us human.  It's the staying in the mourning period that is dangerous.  The dwelling in thoughts and day-dreaming of the life that was not never meant to happen, that doesn't help us continue on in life.  We should look back and see what we learned and what we can take away from relationships that will make us a better person, but then we have to put our feet on the ground and move to put those good lessons to use.

For me, it took a couple of years of going back and forth, in and out of friendship and/or relationship to finally come to the conclusion, that it was time to let go.  Though I had known for awhile that it was not meant to be, I fell back into the land of "what could have been" multiple times, and it only added trouble.  Thanks to the strength God provides me when I am weak, I didn't stay in mourning for very long.  I felt better, and then the other night I heard the Sara Evens song, "A little Bit Stronger."  Here are some of the lyrics:

"I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger"

I realized it was OK that I had been sad, but that time has ended.  Now, it is time to be thankful.  I thank God that He is pointing me to something better in the future, and for directing my feet where they need to go.  There are reasons that a relationship doesn't work, and they usually are pretty good reasons.

One of my pastor's gave me a great piece of advice, saying any relationship that can be learned from, is a good relationship.  I completely agree, and looking back, I don't regret the experience at all.  I'm thankful for who that man was to me and I will never regret the time I spent in the relationship.  But now it is time to move forward.  Now it's time to get busy getting stronger. 



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 Lyrics found at: Sara Evans - A Little Bit Stronger Lyrics | MetroLyrics

Discouraging Moments of Singlehood

Oh, the single life.  It's a discouraging journey.  In this over-sharing culture of Facebook and twitter, it is easy to feel that everyone else is meeting new people and getting new significant others all of the time.  TV shows, LOVE to make it look so easy to meet and connect with new people, but here in real life, it's not.  You meet new people, you hit it off and have a great evening, and then you never hear from them again. 

What happened?!  Then the process starts, you try to think of everything you did and analyze everything from the evening and you end up realizing that you actually did everything wrong.  OK not really, but it's easy to feel that way, though that might just be my process...

Living in this stage of single life can sometimes be the most discouraging thing ever.  It is so much easier to think of everything we do wrong, wonder if there is something wrong with us, and then we end up just wanting to give up on the whole thing and just bury ourselves in work or really just anything that will occupy our thoughts and time.

This is a place I find myself often.  It's not easy for me to really connect with people, so when I connect with a guy and even exchange numbers, I get excited. Then a few days go by, then a week, and then I realize the hard truth that, that phone call or text message I've been hoping for is not going to happen.  I can shrug it off, because I do believe what is meant to be, will be, but there are still those thoughts of disappointment.

As I grow older, I work harder to not stay in that state of disappointment.  The truth that gives me the most comfort and hope is that my one foundation in life doesn't go anywhere just because my dating life seems to be non-existent.  My faith in Jesus doesn't have to falter because I know He loves me, He's there for me, and He cares for me more than any guy could. 

Matthew 6:26 and 27 says, "Look at the birds of the air, for they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? Which of you by worrying can add one cubit to his stature?"

Those verses cover so many worries in life, but for us singles, it should cover the dating life (or lack-there-of) as well.  So it's OK to be disappointed, but don't stay there.  Continue to live this crazy adventure called life, and just one day you might be surprised when at the right moment, after having that evening of great conversation and laughter, your phone rings.

Reflections of Luke 9:23-25

²³ Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me. ²⁴ For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will save it. ²⁵ For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and is himself destroyed or lost?  - Luke 9:23-25

My Pastor talked a little bit about this verse in church yesterday.  He shared about how Jesus called us to "take up his cross daily," and how that was not a wish-washy statement, but a way of life that Christ called us too.  I'm not very good at re-creating others' words so I will just share my own thoughts.

Jesus messages are hard to hear, even the people that heard the words straight from Jesus had a hard time accepting them.  In today's culture, it is taught to never deny yourself of anything and do what you want.  Jesus says the opposite. "If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me."  That's not an easy task He is asking of us.  Cross' were made of solid wood and weighed over 300 pounds, and though Jesus did not literally mean for someone to carry around a large wooden cross, the picture that it painted comes out clear.  Following Jesus is no easy task.

Though this sounds discouraging, there is always hope.  Jesus also said that we could depend on Him to carry the load, and He technically already did.  He literally carried a 300 pound wooden cross and He literally carried all of our sins, worries, and burdens when He hung out the cross.  

So, even though the pull of culture and society gets stronger and stronger everyday and it is constantly taking us in the opposite way of the Word of God, this is a battle that we can never give up.  It will never be an easy or an even a fair fight, but Jesus' words never expire. He has already won the battle and will win the war, we just have to take up our cross, our lives and follow Him.